Fucking Asinine Questions

Q: Who the hell are you and where do you get off?

A: I grew up in the restaurant and bar industry and come from a family of excellent service industry professionals. I used to work in restaurants myself. I know and respect a number of serious bartenders and waiters who do their best to provide top levels of service. I’m also a professional writer and reviewer – that is, a publisher actually pays me to write my opinions on things in books and shit. Is this country great, or what?

Q: Aren’t you worried about getting sued?

A: No. I’m stating my opinions and relating my experiences, neither of which are causes for libel. And actually, if someone did sue me, it would be totally awesome publicity!

Q: Do you accept free drinks and food in exchange for good reviews?

A: Well, let me put it this way, you can offer me free drinks, food, cash or sex with a hot bartender in the storeroom and it might improve my mood, but it will not affect my review. Nothing you can offer me would be worth tarnishing my reputation for being a hard-assed bitch when it comes to my expectations for quality standards. Offering me free crappy food or bad drinks in a dirty bar with shitty service is not an incentive anyway. However, please feel free to try.

Q: What about hot bartenders? Don’t they always get good reviews?

A: Sadly, no. I wish I could give every hot and flirty bartender a good review but I can’t. Flirting is part of the job when you tend bar. Male bartenders flirt with female patrons and female patrons flirt back – it improves their tips and makes the job more enjoyable for all concerned but it does not influence a review EXCEPT that flirty and fun bartenders (male and female) are usually providing a better experience for the customer and helping them have a good time. Any good bartender knows that you don’t dip your pen in the company ink – or as our bartender technical adviser says, “you don’t drill for water under the outhouse.”

Q: Do you let the bartender/waiter/business know when you are there?

A: Sometimes at the end of a very positive experience, I might ask permission to take a photo of a particularly good (or good-looking) employee or of the interior of the establishment and will identify myself. But otherwise, no, I’m incognito the rest of the time.

Q: What if the restaurant or bar is having an off day? Do they get another chance?

A: I don’t always write about a bar on the first visit. Some places I visit on different days and at different times to get a more well-rounded view of their clientele, energy and service. It is also inevitable that I will end up back at some places more than once after I’ve written a review. I will then do a follow-up review or an update to encapsulate the additional information. This works both ways, however. A great review can get a crappy follow-up and a bad review sometimes will get a chance to redeem itself.

Q: Why would someone read your website instead of a review site like Yelp?

A: Because I’m a damn professional. Jesus, haven’t you been paying attention? Do you get your financial advice from a hobbyist? Marital counseling from some guy in the park? Do you let your tweaker neighbor work on your car? No, you do not.